Keep it down! Why sales of silent sex toys are surging

Name: Silent sex toys.

Age: New.

Appearance: Seen, but not heard.

Call me a prude, but I didn’t realise there were sex toys that could talk. There aren’t. Or maybe there are. Honestly, I’m not an expert.

Then why are silent sex toys suddenly a thing? It’s just that some more moderately priced vibrators can make a bit of a racket and sales of the quieter sort are up.

I confess I don’t know how much vibrators go for these days. Or ever. It varies, from what I’ve heard: your basic rechargeable power bullet costs about £25, but you can pay £260 for the Lora di Carlo Ose 2, which “mimics oral”, apparently.

So it does talk. I don’t think that’s what they mean, but I haven’t looked into it closely.

It must be quite something, for that money. According to the description I accidentally read before deleting my browser history, it will help you to “enjoy mind-blowing new sensations on your journey to hands-free blended orgasms”.

Just what I need – a vibrator I can use while driving. I’m not entirely sure “hands-free” means it’s safe to …

Frankly, it sounds like a smoothie-maker, but for your car. And you know what? I already have one of those. Perhaps you’d like to try the Whisper Quiet G-Spot Petite Rabbit Vibrator instead – a bestseller at just £65, and only 35 decibels.

I don’t know how much 35 decibels is. A domestic refrigerator runs at about 50dbs, so quieter than that.

I should hope so. But why are they so popular? It’s the pandemic, of course. According to the retailer Ann Summers, sales of high-end sex toys have trebled year on year, as more people are obliged to stay in alone.

Of course. And the silent models appeal to younger people who have been forced to live, work and relax in close proximity to flatmates.

It’s always the quiet ones. And also to those who have moved back in with their parents for lockdown.

I understand now. Or to those parents whose adult children have moved back in.

I don’t want to think about that. Shh.

Do say: “Of course I know what a blended orgasm is: tequila, peach schnapps, ice. Hand me that wand thing.”

Don’t say: “Carol, are you OK in there? It sounds like something’s wrong with your fridge!”