Horny dogs: what can Boris Johnson do about his pet Dilyn’s romantic urges?

Name: Horny dogs.

Age: Since the first time a dog humped a caveperson’s leg.

Appearance: Scruffy, shaggy-haired, prone to following their basest urges to the detriment of everyone around them.

That reminds me of someone ... hold on a minute. This is absolutely, definitely not about a famously scruffy, shaggy-haired person. It is about the fact Boris Johnson has got a very horny dog.

Has he? Very. During a trip to Guildford this week, Johnson forlornly revealed that he has trouble reining in his dog’s “romantic urges”.

His dog has romantic urges? Oh, like you wouldn’t believe. Talking to a police dog handler, he exclaimed: “My dog is endlessly … on people’s legs.”

What a bad dog. You might have heard of this dog before. Not so long ago, reports emerged that Johnson’s dog had caused carnage at Chequers by mounting just about anything it set its eyes on.

I recall … It got so bad that Carrie Johnson was forced to angrily rebut claims that Johnson’s dog was so unstoppably horny, she was considering getting rid of it. “There has never been a happier, healthier and more loved dog than our Dilyn,” she wrote.

Wait, so this is actually about a dog? Yes, of course it is. I’ve been saying “Boris Johnson’s dog” all this time. What on earth did you think I was talking about?

Doesn’t matter. Anyway, this isn’t the first time that Dilyn has made the news. His lack of discipline once became so pronounced that Johnson reportedly cried: “Somebody please shoot that fucking dog!” at a moment of high stress. He apparently isn’t house trained, either.

Dilyn? Yes, of course Dilyn. What’s got into you today?

Never mind. Anyway, horny dogs can be a real headache for their owners, but it’s important to remember that dogs don’t only hump things for sexual reasons.

Oh really? Not at all. They hump for any number of reasons. It could be that they’re overexcited, or attention-starved, or to relieve stress and anxiety, or maybe it means they have a bladder infection.

Is there any way to discourage a horny dog? Oh, lots. You need to make sure that they’re getting enough exercise, and remove any objects around the house that might trigger bouts of stress. Or you could force them to stop and reward their good behaviour with a treat. It won’t happen overnight, of course, and there’s a chance that it might not work at all.

In which case you should probably just vote him out. What? You can’t vote Dilyn out, he’s a dog. What is it with you today?

Do say: “Perhaps it would be better if he were neutered.”

Don’t say: “Not sure what to do about Dilyn, though.”